For those who love an abuse survivor

Tammy Bucklew adapted these guidelines and posted them to bus. They're quite useful for those trying to deal with someone who has been abused.

The Don'ts

  1. I don't believe you were ever abused.
  2. Why can't you just forget it?
  3. That's in the past. Why keep bringing it up?
  4. Can't you just let go? It's not happening now.
  5. Why are you making such a big deal? You were only three.
  6. Just pray about it. Give it to God.
  7. You are the problem, not what happened.
  8. Why didn't you stop it?
  9. Stop thinking about it. It's a sin. The Bible says to think on things that are good.
  10. What did you do to cause it to happen?
  11. Why can't you hurry up and get over this?
  12. Forget the past and move on toward the future.
  13. You're not forgiving. You have to forgive or God won't help you.
  14. I am so sick of this. What about me?
  15. You have got to quit feeling sorry for yourself.

The Dos

Do stand ready...
  1. to give support.
  2. to give acceptance.
  3. to give love.
  4. to give time.
  5. to give understanding.
  6. to give interest.
  7. to give forgiveness.
  8. to give help.
  9. to give belief.
  10. to give prayer.
  11. to give encouragement.
  12. to give hope.
  13. to give honor.
  14. to give trust.
  15. to give validation.
I can't emphasize enough the importance of validation.

Indications of recovery

  1. Willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and the pain.
  2. Able to express feelings and thoughts to others about the abuse.
  3. Understands that s/he was a victim; that regardless of any consent s/he may have given, s/he was a victim.
  4. Further understands that s/he was a victim of abuse regardless of any physical arousal s/he may have experienced.
  5. Considers the abuse a violation.
  6. Realizes the damage experienced and has overcome personal feelings of shame and guilt.
  7. Can identify personal style of relating to others, including attempts to avert further hurt by avoiding honesty and intimacy.
  8. Is able to overcome unrealistic fears and is not plagued with continued anxiety.
  9. Has experienced an increase in sense of worth as a person and is able to trust others.
  10. Has the ability to have intimate relationships with spouse, family and friends.
  11. Is free from the burdens of perfectionism, of rage, or bitterness, and of depression.

Adapted from "Beyond the Darkness" by Cynthia Kubetin and James Mallory, M.D.

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